My First Session

Sept. 10, 2012
My first session with Natalie Jayne, I felt I was ready for what I was about to experience. I had nearly finished Dr. Pearl's book and was excited to get started, experiencing it for real for the first time. But the truth was, I was extremely nervous. What would happen? I don't know if I was more nervous about something strange or embarrassing happening or afraid that nothing huge would happen and I'd have all this anticipation for no reason. After discussing what to expect during the session, we began. A forced calm fell over me as I told myself, "relax relax relax.." She had told me not to pray or worry but to clear my mind. I suppose I thought I was doing that at first. Lying back in the chair, eyes closed, the only thing I felt was a tense calm and something else. There was a sensation, sort of like a pulling at my wrists which lay in my lap. The feeling was like someone had tied strings there and were pulling them toward each other. An image of my hands lifting, crossing and resting over my chest mummy-style, crossed my mind. Ok, I can do this. Just go with the flow. I thought to myself. Nothing happened. I had imagined, after reading the book, that things would happen to me and I would just be along for the ride. But it wasn't like that, I had to be an active participant in the session. Things would only happen if I let them. My ego fought back, told me that I shouldn't force anything to happen or it wouldn't be "real". I decided that ego just didn't want to risk silly by taking action and I fought it. Its surprisingly tough to lift your hand in the air if you are afraid of bruising your ego in the process. The drama in my head ended when, little by little, I moved my wrists... slowly, haltingly at first, then lifting them and letting them rise effortlessly. They snapped into position over my chest like a magnet had pulled them there.  It felt so right to let them move freely about. During the rest of the session, as I let my arms move, or any other part of me, I felt a sense of freedom drift over me, settling deep in my bones. All my life I had been told what to do and what not to do. Scolded, cautioned, criticized... I had learned like everyone else that we must behave in a carefully sculpted set of norms for society. I had grown to fear the natural expression of my body and spirit. The freedom I felt when allowing myself to act any way that came upon me by impulse was liberating!
At the start of the session, I was still trying to find my groove to relax into it, so I began a meditation to help me focus. When I meditate, I often start with something simple and try to hold it until I fully relax and it changes into a meaningful vision. I watched the silhouette of a crow flying in place. It was like the bird-shape had been cut out and behind there was the inky blackness of space. More birds appeared. They formed a flock, a tangle of black wings and feathers. The mass grew into the shape of a man. He walked towards me from the darkness and when the shadow fell away, I recognized him. Consciously, I did not know him, but some part of me must have known because I called him son. He was tall, had an angelic face, blonde hair and merry blue eyes. He smiled at me, saying nothing, but I felt the warmth of his great love for me. He began to recede back into the background and I felt a great longing for him and I stretched out my hand (in my mind and in real life). I wasn't ready for him to go yet, but the blackness took him home again. I was left lonely and sad, wanting to be comforted and held like a child. I thought of my Father from whom I was separated from this long time. I missed him so much!
"Don't go..." I called longingly in my mind. I find it so hard to stay here sometimes, craving home with my whole soul. I waited in my sadness for some confirmation that everything would be OK. Tears landed on my arms as I curled up on my right, hands tucked under my head.
The moment passed and I moved on to the next thing. I saw a white shape, similar to the dove symbol on lotion bottles. It had four appendages like the dove or a four-leaf clover, but I cannot remember the exact shape now... I had a desire to sketch it for my healer on the notes, but I didn't want to interrupt her writing at the time.
After that, I saw a great pair of white wings, large and encompassing  I was dazzled by the white light that shone through the edges of the feathers. Then the wings folded around me in an embrace. I reached up to complete the touch, but my arms were too heavy and I was too small and distant, resting in a chair far away back on earth. I could never reach that high, yet I felt the pull and comfort of the hug regardless.
Next, I saw two feathers floating down toward me. They were twisted and ruined, barbs clinging to one another in a hopeless tangle. The feathers came down and passed through my eyes, as if my pupils were great empty holes. On the other side of this "window", the feathers came out whole and perfect.
During another part, I was letting my body process with its Kryas twitching and my hand remembered, once again, the feel of a violin. The fingers played the ghost strings and I knew the melody was sure and sweet. I know that I should keep trying with my real violin at home, till I can match the skill I once had in another life. Its the memory that has kept me on the hunt since I was a child.
Thinking of heaven, and discussing it with Natalie afterwards, I felt a mercurial kind of heat in my body. It wasn't the warm heat created by blood, nor the dry heat that is brought on by energy work. It was metallic .. hard to describe.
During another part of processing, I felt a comfort and peace that belongs only to innocent babies. Curled up on my left, I felt a deep and settled glowing in my heart. My heart rate and breathing were up, like in REM sleep, and my eyes twitched back and forth as if I were dreaming. A smile twitched at my lips, the kind I'd only seen on sleeping infants when they dream of mother's milk or possibly memories from home.
Words running through my mind throughout the session: "What" "You" "1..2..3.." "How". Also, there was another sensation at one specific time. The head of the chair I rested in was angled towards a window, so I was facing away and towards the door. If I opened my eyes, I'd see the sunlight shining at an angle on the ceiling. My eyes were closed at this point, but it seemed to me that this one ray of sunshine was getting brighter and brighter. It seemed to flicker, as if someone were moving in the light, but no one was there. The light was intensely glowing but I couldn't see who was there... I also had the sensation at the end of the session that there was something more I had forgotten to tell Natalie. Perhaps an encounter or a conversation that I had been made to forget. But there is no way of knowing if I imagined I had something more to say or if it had been actually been erased from my mind. I sometimes have dreams where I feel like I am highly engaged in a conversation or event with someone. Normally, upon waking, I will remember all of my dreams or snippets. But for these types of dreams I remember only a blank wall and a sense of having done something or talked with someone. I can only imagine those conversations are not for me to know right now. I went home that day with much to think about.